Today, goddamn if you aren't gonna have some mediocre sex.

Do not attempt without blind wingman.

Today, what you're going to do is go out late at night and find yourself some pretty little thang, only just 21.  Or maybe 19.  She'll be wearing gym shorts at the bar, and she's mincing around the vomit by the pool table in her flip-flops so as not to taint her feet.

You're gonna go up to her and hand her a long island iced tea (which you have already sneezed in, as payback in the event that she shoots you down) and state; "Listen baby, I'm not normally this sort of fella, but I'm gonna regret it forever if I don't come up to you right now and tell you that if you and I were squirrels, I'd bust a nut in your hole."

Right here is where you'll raise one eyebrow, what you think of as your "cheeky grin", but unbeknownst to you it just appears like someone poked you in the eye.  Luck is in your corner though, she's way too hammered to notice or to retain standards of any kind.  She'll rip the drink out of your hands and pour it down her gullet like a champ, then the two of you will scramble out of the bar so fast her boyfriend won't even see you leave.

You and your little love dumpling will proceed to your studio apartment and the both of you will have sex so completely forgettable, and so not even worth the mess, that it makes you want to go home and slap your Mama!