Today, you'll go to a pool party.

Welcome to our Ool Party.  Notice there's no P in it.  Please keep it that way

You knew about it all week and you waited and you waited but finally Friday night came and you never got the invite to the office pool party that you were desperately waiting for.  You waited by the water cooler when Mark walked by, hoping he would glance at you and a light bulb would go off above his head and he'd say hey why didn't you RSVP on the Facebook event calendar that you're going to the pool party?  

And you let your pen slide off your desk and onto the floor when Sharise walked by so that she would stop and pick it up for you.  When she handed it to you, you said thanks and looked right at her so she would be forced to acknowledge you and when that happened she would suddenly realize she had totally forgotten to include you in the mass office memo.

Neither Mark nor Sharise ever said anything about the office pool party.

So the next day you'll drive your Sebring out to Sharise's house and climb a tree in the front yard to watch all you co-workers splash around in their bathing suits, enjoying their time without you like you never even existed.  Laurie is wearing a yellow one-piece and she's laughing so hard at something Aaron said that she's bending over and holding her stomach with the hand that isn't holding her Grey Goose martini.

From your vantage point, you'll see your co-workers swim and tan and drink fruity drinks and sneak off to make out under the shade of the very tree in which you're hiding, and the whole scene will make you feel incredibly alone.  So alone that you'll start to cry, and you'll cry loud enough that your co-workers will hear you and they'll run to the base of the tree and set it on fire.  

The flames will rise, forcing you into an impossible dilemma; either you leap down to safety where you will doubtlessly be humiliated for coming and spying on a party which you were not invited to, or you stay in the tree and slowly burn to death on its branches.

You'll stay in the tree and burn to death on its branches.

Today, Cosmopolitan is going to spell it out for you!

Top ten ways to make your boobs extra-pointy.

He’s been working a lot. Cosmo says when he works a lot it means he might be working on loving someone new.

He’s showering a lot. Cosmo says when he showers a lot it’s because he’s washing off the lingering scent of someone new.

He’s constantly singing love songs out loud without any cause for a love song to be sung. Cosmo says if he spontaneously bursts out into love songs it’s because those love songs are songs he has to sing when he thinks about someone new.

He occasionally shows up covered in mud. Cosmo says when your man shows up muddy it’s because he had to dispose of the bodies of the people who witnessed him giving all his lovin' to someone new.

He bought seven new cars. Cosmo says a man has no reason to buy a lot of new cars unless he’s going on long moonlight drives with someone special, someone young, someone fun, someone who is anyone, anyone at all, anyone at all but you.

He has crabs. Cosmo says there ain’t no other reason for a man to have crabs unless those crabs hopped to his pubic hair from the pubic hair of someone who isn't you.

He’s been spending a lot of time in his super-secret second apartment and according to Cosmo, a man should spend an average of no more than two nights a week in his super-secret second apartment unless he’s using that super-secret second apartment to spend super-secret time with someone secret and new.

He can sometimes be found with his penis inside the vagina of another woman. In the immortal words of Cosmopoliton, “There is simply no reason for your man to store his manhood upon or up inside the womanhood of a woman who, for all intents and purposes is not you, unless your man is interested in the womanhood under the operation of a woman other than you, AKA a woman who happens to be someone new.

He has a shoehorn.  You read in Cosmo that shoehorns are luxury items that a man uses to facilitate the process of applying footwear to his feet.  It goes on to say that why would a man be in such a hurry that he would feel the need to eliminate the precious seconds that is required of one to actually bend over to put on a shoe and instead use a tool to do so if he wasn't using those extra seconds to be lying on his back in someone else's apartment with some other women that isn't you sitting on his face?

He says he met someone new. If Cosmo is correct, a man never says he met someone new unless he’s decided that you are someone old and there’s another one, a different one, a one who in your man’s eyes is someone who alleviates that “I’m scared of not mattering anymore” feeling, a one who can only be described as someone new.

Since your man meets all ten criteria, it’s time to tell him that you wish him well but you understand that the heart cannot be tamed, girlfriend.