Today, you're the world's most repulsive and racist crime fighter!

Bigot.  You should probably take this down from your cubicle

When you show up to work today, your boss will tell you that you have to train the new guy.

"He’s just like you," your boss says.

"Almost like your clone," your boss’s right-hand man adds.

"You guys should get along just fine. You’re practically the same person," your boss says.

So you go to your desk and you find the new guy sitting on the floor next to it. He’s eating pudding out of a plastic container and it’s all over his face. When he finishes the pudding container, he throws it at the back of someone’s head then laughs very loudly.

"You’re the new guy?" you ask. "I’m supposed to train you."

"Thank God you’re not black," the new guy says.

This is where you march right back to your boss’s office.

"What do you mean he’s just like me?"

"You don’t see the similarity?"

Look back over at the new guy. He’s now in a desk chair and he’s got his pelvis arched up under the desk, clearly massaging his boner with the desk’s underside.

"Okay, maybe a slight resemblance," you state. "But I’m not racist."

"Yes you are," your boss says without looking up from the documents he’s reading.

You decide to go back to the new guy and learn more about yourself.

"It’s hard to believe licking my own sweat off my arms still tastes good after so many years," the new guy says. "You’d think my changing chemical makeup might have altered the taste after a while. Or it might have been affected by the alcohol and amphetamine I swear out of my pores on a constant basis. But nope. It’s still my favorite meal."

Here's where you send out an email to the entire office, apologizing for your behavior in general. You promise to try to be easier to tolerate.

"Can I access the kind of pornography where it looks like someone is being victimized on this computer? Or do I have to use my iPhone?" the new guy asks you.

"tiedupandscared.com isn’t blocked yet," you reply. "But we’d better start training soon."

"Let me just finish this threatening letter I’m writing to someone I want to rape," he says.

You wait patiently.

"Okay, finished. Just have to drip a little of my blood at the bottom here. Aaaaad, let’s get to work."

You're amazed by just how bad the new guy smells. You send out another email, telling everyone in the office that you now understand why your seated alone by the window and that you will try to rectify the situation.

It’s all getting too much to bear. You kind of want to train the new guy and then resign so you can start anew someplace where people aren’t already so familiar with your repulsive character. There’s just so much you have to change about yourself.

"Before we start training," you say to the new guy. "I want to thank you. You’ve taught me so much about myself already."

The new guy leans in. "I’m an undercover agent with the FBI. This office is a front for a human trafficking ring. You’re the only one here who isn’t in on it, so I made sure they’d pair me up with you by appearing to be compatible to your personality. Help me bust these scumbags."

You shake his hand. He wipes his hand with an anti-bacterial napkin after you let go. Then you begin your brief tenure as the world’s most repulsive crime-fighter, all the while thinking, "I may be awaiting trial for masturbating next to patients’ beds in a burn ward, but at least I’m not running a sex slave ring."

Today, your cup done runneth over!!

Because baby rhinos are cuter than baby humans.

Your new next-door neighbor lady has a baby.

“You fuck someone for that?” ask her.

She’ll look at the baby and say, “Yup.”

You can tell she’s remembering the night she made the baby and thinking about the damp, flawed but seemingly endless expanse of beautiful skin on the man she banged to get the baby so you give her a minute.

You pretend to look at your phone. You pretend to laugh at a text that isn’t there.  "Ha ha," you say..

“He still in the picture?” ask her.

Your neighbor lady will shake her head no. This is where you offer to be the father-figure to her child.

“Eighty bucks a week,” say. “I’ll teach it street smarts, how to use tools and how to shave, what dignity is and why it’s important, and shit you can do to keep from paying taxes.”

The neighbor lady will say, “Seventy.”

Shake on it, then as soon as she pays you that week’s fee, hold her baby and let it rest its sleepy head on your rock-hard pectoral muscles.

“Don’t you worry,” say to the neighbor-lady while holding the baby. “You made the right decision. Your baby’s gonna grow up to have a nice life, now.”

Your neighbor-lady will start to cry until you tell her to shut up.